WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
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Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??