When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
You Might Also Like
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.