[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
You Might Also Like
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?