I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
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Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess