Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
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Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?