Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
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Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I feel attacked.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?