Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
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Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.