“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
You Might Also Like
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
brian had himself a morning…
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.