murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
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Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by