Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
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Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.