CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
You Might Also Like
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.