I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
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I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*