“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
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No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
🤣dope
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.