Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
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I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.