I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
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My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like