Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
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Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.