Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
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[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Who wants to be my Valentine?
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
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Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”