When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
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‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Hot hot hot 🥵
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?