Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
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My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Happy Thanksgiving
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”