Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
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MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
he looks great for his age
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Me: I really need to save money
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