my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
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Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Practicing safe sax
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.