Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
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“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.