Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
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And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
getting corrected
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools