Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
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Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”