My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
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The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up