The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
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[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite