Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
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Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys