Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
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Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
my nickname in college
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.