Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
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I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
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Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
The symmetry is uncanny.