Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
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If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
nothing saves money like being antisocial
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Fries, not lies.