people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
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Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*