bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
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Breaking news:
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog