Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
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Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
technically true but not a great slogan
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday