100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
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*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
This kid will have a bright future.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
oh my gosh!!
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Whoa 😂
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.