*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
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When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
✌🏽
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.