My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
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Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
This cat wants you to take your pills
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
“Why you watching this shit?”
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.