When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
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You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
May have had one breakfast too many
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
it is time once again
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
🖤✌🏽
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Dance like you’re not the father
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.