date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
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Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.