Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
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but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”