I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
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you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.