If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
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Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.