(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
You Might Also Like
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
can I use a minion as a tampon
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please