Banking tips
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The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
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I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
My whole life was a lie.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
excuse me
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅