[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
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I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
The first matador
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline