The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
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Best spoiler warning ever
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
you gotta be faster
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.