[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
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Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Broom by every window for quick escape.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”