Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
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When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
I love you…
…r dog.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”