I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
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After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that