is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
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Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.