Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
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Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Never forget.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones